My Bipolar Testimony

Dear friends and strangers,

The National Institute of Mental Health defines Bipolar as such:
Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

I am an enthusiastic and passionate Christian. A wife of nearly 12 years. A mother of three. A former educator. A caregiver. A daughter. A sister. A friend. And, I am bipolar.

I choose not to let bipolar define me, but it is undeniably part of who I am, and I’d like to tell you part of my story.

For many years I suffered from depression, or so we thought. I was given prescriptions from my Family Doctors and General Practitioners, for a variety of different medicines. I’ve taken a number of anti-depressants over the years. Most recently, I’ve been on Prozac for the last 6 to 7 years.

In 2008 I began to display very uncharacteristic behavior and had multiple inappropriate online relationships, all of which I eventually confessed to my husband, John. We worked through this and our marriage seemed to be restored, or at least headed in that direction. We were doing well.

Then, December of 2009 hit and I told my husband I was done. I wanted to leave our marriage because it was just too difficult for me anymore. I was miserable and couldn’t seem to fix anything. In my mind, it was all John’s doing. He wasn’t good enough to me, or didn’t say the right things all the time and he didn’t make me happy anymore.

This is why I praise God for my husband every day. He refused to accept this and recognized immediately that this was not the wife he knew and loved. Neither had my behavior in the last couple years been representative of the woman he fell in love with. He courageously asked me to see a professional. Not a Family physician, but a Psychiatrist. I reluctantly agreed (thank God).

At this point, I couldn’t even handle the stress of trying to find a doctor. John did all the footwork and found a doctor in Fairhope who would see me and accept our insurance, despite the fact he wasn’t “currently accepting new patients.” John spoke to the doctor’s nurse, found out what he could do regarding how to “deal” with me in the meantime. He also initiated marriage counseling for us immediately.

Upon seeing the psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with rapid cycle bipolar disorder. We were informed at the same appointment that the Prozac I had been on for years was the worst possible medicine I could have been taking. Naturally, we were furious with previous doctors (and this is why anyone who speaks to me about this will know immediately that I adamantly believe people need to be seeing a psychiatrist for psychiatric issues, not their general practitioner.) My doctor lowered my Prozac and began a regular regimen of a mood stabilizer.

It took several months, but between weekly counseling and my new medication, I began to feel normal again. This was a feeling I had become painfully unfamiliar with and I didn’t even realize it. John and I started to heal. He attended counseling with me and was my accountability in so many ways. He made sure I took my medication and he was responsible for keeping my behavior in check. It was only through the power of Christ that I was able to defer my authority over myself in these areas to him. Trust me when I tell you how incredibly hard it is to have to defer to another’s opinion of my behavior and mood over my own. There do not seem to be adequate words to express the level of trust this requires between two people.

I stand before you today a healed woman. God hasn’t healed my bipolar, but he has healed me nonetheless. I take my medication every day, and do so willingly because of my deep desire to be healthy. God has redeemed me, restored my marriage fully and saved my children from unspeakable and irreversible harm through the courage and insight of my husband. He provided me with a tremendous Christian counselor and a psychiatrist with the expertise I needed. God filled me with the power to trust these people. Friends, whether it’s the way we usually define “healing” or not, God healed me.

Living with bipolar is not easy. I choose every day to be healthy and to take my medicine (that’s another vicious facet of the disease, the conviction that you don’t need your medicine anymore). I still see my counselor once a month. I see my psychiatrist every couple months, or more if we believe my meds need an adjustment. My children have had to learn to live with my disease. My husband, God bless him, has traveled this ugly rollercoaster-road with me from the get-go. Friendships and family relationships have been strained (some, terribly so). This is not an easy disease to understand or empathize with when you’re on the outside looking in. I have made a life-long commitment to managing my disease carefully, as it is no different than heart disease or diabetes or blood pressure. It will always need my attention.

Some of you might wonder why I have decided to go public. I was recently offered the opportunity to “tell” my testimony in church yesterday, on Easter Sunday, in cardboard form. I took that opportunity to tell how God has redeemed my life and traded ashes for beauty. Doing so inspired me to go all the way, beyond sharing with pass-in-the-hallway friends, acquaintances and total strangers—all the way to sharing it with everyone I know, especially those I claim to love and know well.
Also, I desperately want to dispel the misconceptions surrounding this disease. Having or being bipolar doesn’t mean I am violent, suicidal, depressed, or crazy. What it does mean is that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes more frequent mood fluctuations (because mine is rapid cycle…there are other types) and more exaggerated shifts than “normal” people. “Highs” are not necessarily extreme and uncontrollable happiness. Mine are defined by agitation and increased irritability, and a high level of productivity. My “lows” are not characterized by depression, but rather quietness, seclusion and clinginess to those I love, especially John.

Furthermore, I am personally free from the stigma attached to bipolar because I know God intends to use my experience with bipolar to help others. Otherwise, He would have physically healed my body from it. Proving this point, He already is using me. My openness about my disease with the few I have shared it with one-on-one is giving strength to others and giving others the insight that they are not alone. All of this disarms the enemy. God has made it possible for me to have potentially difficult conversations with other women who need encouragement for a variety of reasons.

Left untreated, bipolar, depression and severe anxiety will destroy lives. What it doesn’t destroy, it will cripple. Satan has a field day in the minds of those plagued with these diseases. He wants nothing more to destroy and I know, because it almost took my marriage and everything else I hold dear.
If you’re reading this, you likely either know someone who needs help or you need help yourself. If it’s you that can identify with anything I have said, I want to encourage you to find a professional. Insist on the best of care for yourself. Enlist the help of someone you love and trust intimately to walk this road with you. Do not allow mental illness of any sort to rob you or anyone you love from living a full life. If none of this describes you in any way, then please, please, please pass this along to anyone you think needs to read it. If it’s not for you, my story can be a great conversation starter between you and someone you care about.

Finally, I need to thank some people, without whom I would never be able to share my story.

To my closest friends and family, thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart I thank you for loving me every step of the way, even today and tomorrow, for the constant encouragement and for never letting me feel judged. Most especially, John, Lindsey, Terri and the rest of “my girls.”

To my “everyone else,” those who didn’t know, or may have only known part of the whole story, thank you for your patience, for loving me through what you didn’t even know, and for loving me even now as you learn the whole truth.

Most of all, I thank You, my precious LORD, for loving me, for saving me, for healing me and now for using me. “…My lips overflow with praise” (Ps. 119:171) and I love you with all my heart (Deut 10:12).

Sincerely,
Stephanie Norsworthy

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www.myjourneytofreedom-stephanie.blogspot.com
jsnorsworthy@yahoo.com

PS If you have never seen a cardboard testimony, a quick search on YouTube will yield multiple results and give you a good idea of what 25 of us did in our church yesterday. The music we used was “Beautiful Things” by Gungor, and my card read: (side 1) BIPOLAR (side 2) Healthy and Whole in Christ. I believe a video was made, so hopefully I will be able to share that soon as well.