Yesterday was insane! I had seven kids for daycare, ranging from 1 yr to 4 years in age, from 7 in the morning to 6 in the evening. I managed to get in my 30 minutes on the treadmill (God really protected this time for me yesterday), washed and folded 4 loads of laundry, swept my kitchen floor, changed countless diapers, fed them all multiple times, washed faces and hands...and so on. For you moms out there, this is nothing new for you. It is somewhat new for me right now though, as I've been sick for so long. I am a little lost as to what to do with all this energy I have again.
Still, as my daycare hours started to come to a close, I was exhausted. I was rocking a baby, she was peacefully asleep in my arms. I closed my eyes, and began to imagine it was 6:30. Daycare would be gone, I could have some dinner, a hot bath and totally turn off my brain AND my body.
And then I heard a whisper. God said to me...you're not done yet. You owe me. It's time to pay your tab. My eyes opened instantly, and I thought immediately back to the pop tarts I had eaten that morning. Now, I don't keep pop tarts in the house for this very reason. I'm desperately embarassed to tell you all I had FOUR of them yesterday morning. Ironically, if I'd had a diet coke to wash them down, I would have had that with them. So I thought through this and was of course reminded of what I had just studied the day before about "counting the cost." It's terribly
sad to me that I forget so quickly what God shows me, and I'm thrilled He brought this particular lesson back to my attention the way He did.
Luke 14:28 says this: suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won't you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? As I apply this to my food, I see clearly that God expects me to be aware of the calories I take in and the calories I burn. If I can't afford the calories, I shouldn't eat it. Plain and simple, right?
Well, here I was the very next day, eating four pop tarts and not considering the cost, the energy I would need to expend to "pay" for those calories. But God reminded me very clearly of what I had consumed, and that I owed Him some more exercise. It was time to pay my tab. This was the first time God has done this for me, insisted on collecting from me in such a way. But, collect He did. Once the baby woke up, I shook off my exhaustion and moved to the back yard. I spent an hour pulling weeds and cleaning flower beds while the daycare kids played on the swing set and in the sand box. Next, I cleaned up my kitchen, living room and the playroom, and ran the vacume. Then, I rotated another load of laundry.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm under no illusion that I was able to burn the 720 extra calories I had consumed, with an hour and 45 minutes of light work. But God made a critical point crystal clear to me. I had gotten into a rut of eating and praying for forgiveness, indulge and pray again, eat something else and pray some more. I have been so desperate to avoid counting calories and becoming obsessed with such things, as I'm prone to do, that I have ignored some very basic science in my efforts to lose weight. If I can't afford the calories, I can't have it; furthermore, if I eat it anyway, I will have to pay my tab with additional exercise.
So, next time you are tempted to eat something you shouldn't, ask yourself...can I afford to pay this bill? Is this food worth the exercise it will require?
I'd also like to add that this morning on the scale, my weight finally reflected a positive change. I'm down 1.5 pounds. Finally. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, I KNOW not...there is no reason except God's reward for there to have been a change on that scale. Not one. That, my friends, was from God to me.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Boundaries
Not too long ago, our daughter wanted to sleep over at a friend's house. John and I talked about it and decided against it for a number of reasons, the primary being that we just don't feel comfortable with that environment for our little girl. She was of course, heartbroken. I'm talking giant crocodile tears. I ached for her. But ultimately I knew we were making the best decision for her.
In an effort to explain our decision, I used our small dog as an example. Maestro is a skilled escape artist, and I asked Samantha why it is that we don't want her to escape. She named a list of dangers that Maestro faces outside the security of our home, and we compared that to the dangers I know exist for her (Samantha) out in this big world. She gracefully accepted the comparison and realized that we were not allowing her to spend the night at this friend's house because we know more than she does, and love her too much to send her vulnerable 11-year-old self into a potentially dangerous environment.
Much like Maestro, I myself am a skilled escape artist. I have too often seen the door satan has opened for me, by way of temptation or lustful desires and cravings, and lept through the doorway only to break the boundaries God has set for me, the ones He has built for my own good and my protection. I am engaged in a strict eating plan right now, and those are the boundaries He has given me. Like Maestro, and Samantha, I don't presently have the ability, the knowledge or the maturity to live outside those lines. Instead I am learning to respect the boundaries God designed for me, and more often now, I am finding peace in these boundaries by choosing to walk away from that open door and stay inside the safety of the house, instead of escaping into the world of food which is most definitely a potentially dangerous environment.
Outside these loving boundaries, I am a prime target for satan to quickly usher me away from home, and away from the peace I deserve and the peace God wants for me. Finally, I'm learning to regard His boundaries as as a source of protection, not restriction or deprivation, and I hope you will too.
In an effort to explain our decision, I used our small dog as an example. Maestro is a skilled escape artist, and I asked Samantha why it is that we don't want her to escape. She named a list of dangers that Maestro faces outside the security of our home, and we compared that to the dangers I know exist for her (Samantha) out in this big world. She gracefully accepted the comparison and realized that we were not allowing her to spend the night at this friend's house because we know more than she does, and love her too much to send her vulnerable 11-year-old self into a potentially dangerous environment.
Much like Maestro, I myself am a skilled escape artist. I have too often seen the door satan has opened for me, by way of temptation or lustful desires and cravings, and lept through the doorway only to break the boundaries God has set for me, the ones He has built for my own good and my protection. I am engaged in a strict eating plan right now, and those are the boundaries He has given me. Like Maestro, and Samantha, I don't presently have the ability, the knowledge or the maturity to live outside those lines. Instead I am learning to respect the boundaries God designed for me, and more often now, I am finding peace in these boundaries by choosing to walk away from that open door and stay inside the safety of the house, instead of escaping into the world of food which is most definitely a potentially dangerous environment.
Outside these loving boundaries, I am a prime target for satan to quickly usher me away from home, and away from the peace I deserve and the peace God wants for me. Finally, I'm learning to regard His boundaries as as a source of protection, not restriction or deprivation, and I hope you will too.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Like an Elephant at the Circus
Have you ever been to the circus? I don't particularly like the circus, but I have been before. All the tricks and talents and all the training can be pretty amazing.
Consider if you will, the elephants. I've heard they are trained to walk that circle by being kept tethered to a steel spike in the ground from birth...walking in a circle is all they are capable of doing. Then gradually, the tether...or chain...is removed. But the elephant continues to walk that ridiculous, repetitive circle...it has no awareness of its freedom, only what it has always known...and that is its bondage to that circle.
Today, God made it clear to me that I am acting like that elephant. He has done all that is necessary to set me free. I'm already free. I've been praying and begging to be set free from my addiction to food, but like the elephant, I've been blind to the fact that God has already done that. Do you hear me? I'm already free. And so are you. Just like the elephant, I am the one keeping myself in bondage.
If you think about the Israelites and their 40 year journey in the desert to the Promised Land; God had already set them free from their slavery, and yet, they circled that mountain like dumb elephants tethered to a steel spike, for 40 years. They even begged God to return them to their slavery because it was more comfortable there and the food flowed in abundance (not a conincidental reference, girls). They remained in a perceived bondage, and only because of their choices, attitude, and hearts.
Today, I will work to recognize that God has already set me free. He's done more than His part. In fact, He has paid the gruesome price for my freedom. Today I choose to focus more on behaving like I am a free child of God and making victorious choices because I am victorious through the death of Jesus Christ. Afterall, I am not an elephant at the circus; I am done circling this mountain, ladies, and I'm heading for the Promised Land. Won't you come with me?
Consider if you will, the elephants. I've heard they are trained to walk that circle by being kept tethered to a steel spike in the ground from birth...walking in a circle is all they are capable of doing. Then gradually, the tether...or chain...is removed. But the elephant continues to walk that ridiculous, repetitive circle...it has no awareness of its freedom, only what it has always known...and that is its bondage to that circle.
Today, God made it clear to me that I am acting like that elephant. He has done all that is necessary to set me free. I'm already free. I've been praying and begging to be set free from my addiction to food, but like the elephant, I've been blind to the fact that God has already done that. Do you hear me? I'm already free. And so are you. Just like the elephant, I am the one keeping myself in bondage.
If you think about the Israelites and their 40 year journey in the desert to the Promised Land; God had already set them free from their slavery, and yet, they circled that mountain like dumb elephants tethered to a steel spike, for 40 years. They even begged God to return them to their slavery because it was more comfortable there and the food flowed in abundance (not a conincidental reference, girls). They remained in a perceived bondage, and only because of their choices, attitude, and hearts.
Today, I will work to recognize that God has already set me free. He's done more than His part. In fact, He has paid the gruesome price for my freedom. Today I choose to focus more on behaving like I am a free child of God and making victorious choices because I am victorious through the death of Jesus Christ. Afterall, I am not an elephant at the circus; I am done circling this mountain, ladies, and I'm heading for the Promised Land. Won't you come with me?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Finally, a Cohesive Plan
As I stumble through this journey (publicly, I might add LOL), I have come to realize something very important about myself: I like to have a plan. I'm basically like this in all areas of my life. Finances, education, the routines of daily life, when I'm teaching: you name the circumstance, and I'm sure to prefer a plan. I don't like to fly by the seat of my pants (which is most certainly why I never excelled at improvisation as a musician). Now, this is not to say I'm inflexible, because as a (former?) educator, a mother to three, and a military wife, I have mastered the fine art of flexibility. It just means I function better and feel safer with a plan.
So why did I not get a plan sooner? I don't suppose it matters too terribly much. The point is, I have one now. I am working through Made to Crave, a Bible study by Lysa Terkeurst, and she cites some amazing statistics about success as it relates to having a plan: the possibility of achieving a goal is....10% when you hear an idea, 40% when you decide you will do it, 50% when you plan how you will do it, 65% when you commit to someone else you will do it and 95% when you have an accountability appointment with the person you've committed to.
This blew my mind! I've been wandering aimlessly on this course, tripping over my own feet and trying to lean on my own efforts and knowledge, when all the while, I needed a plan...a GPS of sorts. I've been trying to get to a destination, to an address, with no system to guide me. Sounds so silly even now as I type it out. But, I have a plan now.
I did some research online (of course) and after much thinking and talking it over with my husband, I've made a choice. I started the Paleo diet today, albeit a slightly modified version, and so did John (that's an enormous blessing for me). THAT is my plan. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's basically a plan that removes all processed food from my diet. This mostly means pre-packaged stuff. If it's in a box, a can, a jar or an air-tight bag, it's not in my plan. There is disagreement among experts regarding whether whole-grains (as cavemen could not make bread products), and dairy are permissable. John and I have decided to allow for these things, but only in healthier forms and in limited quantities, at least for now.
I have grown to be of the mindset that nothing is really forbidden. It's all permissable. The question is, is it beneficial to my longterm goals? Freedom. Peace. Stability. If it's not going to get me to my goal (not the number on the scale, but to freedom, peace and stability), then it's not beneficial.
I have tried diet PLANS before, and even had positive results. Temporarily, that is. So how is this plan any different? It's two-fold. Because I have seen repeatedly that without God as my focus, I will not have lasting success, or the freedom, peace, and stability I so desperately seek, I am finally combining the two concepts. A Plan...God as my focus...together...finally.
I fully anticipate hard days and tough choices, and I'm prepared to lay in my floor and cry over the fact that I can't have those chips or the cookies my flesh and my tastebuds are screaming for. But, I will begin each day with a special prayer I've composed for myself (it's included below), and I will walk through this journey with my GPS on and my focus on God.
God, I come to you this morning, knowing that I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I ask you again today, with repetition, for your wisdom to know what to eat. I believe your Word, which tells me I have within me the very same power that raised Jesus from the dead. I know wholeheartedly I will not ever be free as a result of my own efforts or strength, and instead pray for your indwelling power to rise up within me and enable me to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me. I ask you as my Glorious Father to strengthen me, to set me free from my addiction and obsession with food. Not so I can wear a smaller size, but so I may know You better, Lord. Please, teach me today who I am in You and draw me closer to You. Reveal to me how this journey I am on is less about food, exercise and lifestyle choices and more about a chance for deep, lasting and wonderful connections with you. Lord, I ask that you remind me to pray with every temptation I face today and give me the insight I need to speak out against the devil. I thank you this morning Father God for the chance to be on this journey with you and I know that I will soon see its blessings. Thank you for loving me. I give my body as an offering to you this morning, God, and will honor You by caring for the temple You have given me. Amen.
{Scriptures used include: Ephesians 1:17-19, Romans 12:1-2; also, some phrases included in my prayer are taken from Made To Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst, Ch. 5}
So why did I not get a plan sooner? I don't suppose it matters too terribly much. The point is, I have one now. I am working through Made to Crave, a Bible study by Lysa Terkeurst, and she cites some amazing statistics about success as it relates to having a plan: the possibility of achieving a goal is....10% when you hear an idea, 40% when you decide you will do it, 50% when you plan how you will do it, 65% when you commit to someone else you will do it and 95% when you have an accountability appointment with the person you've committed to.
This blew my mind! I've been wandering aimlessly on this course, tripping over my own feet and trying to lean on my own efforts and knowledge, when all the while, I needed a plan...a GPS of sorts. I've been trying to get to a destination, to an address, with no system to guide me. Sounds so silly even now as I type it out. But, I have a plan now.
I did some research online (of course) and after much thinking and talking it over with my husband, I've made a choice. I started the Paleo diet today, albeit a slightly modified version, and so did John (that's an enormous blessing for me). THAT is my plan. For those who aren't familiar with it, it's basically a plan that removes all processed food from my diet. This mostly means pre-packaged stuff. If it's in a box, a can, a jar or an air-tight bag, it's not in my plan. There is disagreement among experts regarding whether whole-grains (as cavemen could not make bread products), and dairy are permissable. John and I have decided to allow for these things, but only in healthier forms and in limited quantities, at least for now.
I have grown to be of the mindset that nothing is really forbidden. It's all permissable. The question is, is it beneficial to my longterm goals? Freedom. Peace. Stability. If it's not going to get me to my goal (not the number on the scale, but to freedom, peace and stability), then it's not beneficial.
I have tried diet PLANS before, and even had positive results. Temporarily, that is. So how is this plan any different? It's two-fold. Because I have seen repeatedly that without God as my focus, I will not have lasting success, or the freedom, peace, and stability I so desperately seek, I am finally combining the two concepts. A Plan...God as my focus...together...finally.
I fully anticipate hard days and tough choices, and I'm prepared to lay in my floor and cry over the fact that I can't have those chips or the cookies my flesh and my tastebuds are screaming for. But, I will begin each day with a special prayer I've composed for myself (it's included below), and I will walk through this journey with my GPS on and my focus on God.
God, I come to you this morning, knowing that I am made for more than the vicious cycle of being ruled by food. I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I ask you again today, with repetition, for your wisdom to know what to eat. I believe your Word, which tells me I have within me the very same power that raised Jesus from the dead. I know wholeheartedly I will not ever be free as a result of my own efforts or strength, and instead pray for your indwelling power to rise up within me and enable me to walk away from things that are not beneficial for me. I ask you as my Glorious Father to strengthen me, to set me free from my addiction and obsession with food. Not so I can wear a smaller size, but so I may know You better, Lord. Please, teach me today who I am in You and draw me closer to You. Reveal to me how this journey I am on is less about food, exercise and lifestyle choices and more about a chance for deep, lasting and wonderful connections with you. Lord, I ask that you remind me to pray with every temptation I face today and give me the insight I need to speak out against the devil. I thank you this morning Father God for the chance to be on this journey with you and I know that I will soon see its blessings. Thank you for loving me. I give my body as an offering to you this morning, God, and will honor You by caring for the temple You have given me. Amen.
{Scriptures used include: Ephesians 1:17-19, Romans 12:1-2; also, some phrases included in my prayer are taken from Made To Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst, Ch. 5}
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
What's Your Payoff?
It's been too long since I posted. Fortunately, in the last 72 hours I have had spots of time where I have felt somewhat human, right now being one of them, and I think I may be on the mend finally. Thanks to all who have prayed for my recovery...please continue to pray!
In the last 6 weeks, I've gained about 5 pounds. I know I've been sick. Trust me, you don't need to remind me. And I've been too sick to care about my weight and the issues that come with it. However, as I have turned a corner in my sinus health, I believe I have also turned another corner regarding my food issues.
Today is Tuesday. On Saturday, I finally cracked open my "Made to Crave" book by Lysa Terkeurst. I discovered her website, Proverbs 31 and her ministry to women struggling with food and weight issues about 3 months ago, and ordered her book before my surgery. I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to read much of anything in about 2 months. On Saturday though, I read the first two chapters about 3 times, and marked the pages heavily with my multi-colored pens and my clear plastic ruler (I do love straight lines). Since then, despite being sick, I have watched what I've eaten, controlled my portions and passed up on the unhealthy things for healthier options.
I say all this to ask you a question...what is your payoff? Why do you continue to stay "fat?" Or, overweight? Or, why do you keep smoking? Or, why do you continue to worry habitually? Or, blah blah blah...whatever your crutch is. When we do something the same way for a period of time, it's because in some way, it works. It has a payoff. What is your payoff for keeping your sin around? I don't know the answer to this for myself yet, but I have a few possibilities tumbling around in my head like heavy rocks in a dryer; they're thumping, turning, and making lots of noise and making me pay close attention.
I was reading my devotional this morning, My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers (mine is the updated edition in today's easier language), when something struck me.
While the entire devotional topic is not necessarily pertinent to my particular issues with food, the last line struck me hard..."We won't believe; we won't let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore--we prefer to worry." (February 29th devotion, and yes, I know today's date) WOAH! Prefer to worry? Like, maybe I prefer to be fat? Maybe I feel safer when I'm fat? Or,what will I have to think about if I'm not fat anymore? What will I have to focus on? Could my payoff be that it's something I can complain about, worry about, work on, talk to people about...OUCH. And worse yet, what will I have to work on NEXT, if I get past THIS? Ugh. Not easy things to consider. I believe my payoff is more than just the comfort of the food itself. It has to be more than that. This addiction has woven itself into the very fiber of my being, like the roots to a weed. Have you ever pulled up a weed and pulled it half-way across your yard? You know the kind I'm talking about. That's the weed that's been growing, that I've been allowing to thrive in my spirit.
So what's the remedy? How do we kill this nasty weed? I wish I knew, but I'm not sure yet. But I do know I'm on the right path. I will not stop putting one foot in front of the other (even when my health gets in the way). I'm seeking God, and I'm trying to find the point where I believe Him to do the impossible for me; I will get there, friends, and so can you.
In the last 6 weeks, I've gained about 5 pounds. I know I've been sick. Trust me, you don't need to remind me. And I've been too sick to care about my weight and the issues that come with it. However, as I have turned a corner in my sinus health, I believe I have also turned another corner regarding my food issues.
Today is Tuesday. On Saturday, I finally cracked open my "Made to Crave" book by Lysa Terkeurst. I discovered her website, Proverbs 31 and her ministry to women struggling with food and weight issues about 3 months ago, and ordered her book before my surgery. I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to read much of anything in about 2 months. On Saturday though, I read the first two chapters about 3 times, and marked the pages heavily with my multi-colored pens and my clear plastic ruler (I do love straight lines). Since then, despite being sick, I have watched what I've eaten, controlled my portions and passed up on the unhealthy things for healthier options.
I say all this to ask you a question...what is your payoff? Why do you continue to stay "fat?" Or, overweight? Or, why do you keep smoking? Or, why do you continue to worry habitually? Or, blah blah blah...whatever your crutch is. When we do something the same way for a period of time, it's because in some way, it works. It has a payoff. What is your payoff for keeping your sin around? I don't know the answer to this for myself yet, but I have a few possibilities tumbling around in my head like heavy rocks in a dryer; they're thumping, turning, and making lots of noise and making me pay close attention.
I was reading my devotional this morning, My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers (mine is the updated edition in today's easier language), when something struck me.
While the entire devotional topic is not necessarily pertinent to my particular issues with food, the last line struck me hard..."We won't believe; we won't let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore--we prefer to worry." (February 29th devotion, and yes, I know today's date) WOAH! Prefer to worry? Like, maybe I prefer to be fat? Maybe I feel safer when I'm fat? Or,what will I have to think about if I'm not fat anymore? What will I have to focus on? Could my payoff be that it's something I can complain about, worry about, work on, talk to people about...OUCH. And worse yet, what will I have to work on NEXT, if I get past THIS? Ugh. Not easy things to consider. I believe my payoff is more than just the comfort of the food itself. It has to be more than that. This addiction has woven itself into the very fiber of my being, like the roots to a weed. Have you ever pulled up a weed and pulled it half-way across your yard? You know the kind I'm talking about. That's the weed that's been growing, that I've been allowing to thrive in my spirit.
So what's the remedy? How do we kill this nasty weed? I wish I knew, but I'm not sure yet. But I do know I'm on the right path. I will not stop putting one foot in front of the other (even when my health gets in the way). I'm seeking God, and I'm trying to find the point where I believe Him to do the impossible for me; I will get there, friends, and so can you.
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